Telling a stranger, at a party or in the pub, you’re a
writer is a bit like announcing you’re a psychologist. Or a member of
her Majesty’s constabulary. It tends to elicit a mild scrambling of the person’s
conversational nous, as if you’ve just
declared an interest in Scientology or the purchase of a Dido album. Their expression passes through a gamut of reactions, from bemusement and disgust, to sympathy and disdain. It can then go
a couple of ways, but here’s an amalgamation of typical responses.
- So, what do you do?
-
- I’m a writer. [When weary or in a hurry I say editor or
lecturer.]
- - What, for real?
-
- Yes.
-
- Books and shit?
-
- Yes, mostly the former.
-
- Wow, I’d love to do that.
If only I had the time.
-
- Yes, you need lots of time.
-
- So, will you be published?
-
- Yes.
-
- Great, although it’s much easier these days, isn’t
it?
-
- Not really.
-
- My cousin [friend/aunt/cat] is writing a book.
-
- [Dies inside.] That’s fascinating.
-
- She [he/it] is going to publish it herself.
-
- Ah.
-
- She says all writers will one day. Cuts out the
publisher. Apparently, all they do is take a massive cut.
-
- I think there’s more to it than that.
-
- And they only publish friends or famous people
or Oxbridge grads. Doesn't matter if it's no good.
-
- I’m none of those.
-
- So, what’s your book about?
- - [Dies a little more.] It’s hard to summarise the themes
in a sentence.
- - Does it have a wizard and shit?
-
- Neither, actually.
-
- But they’ll make a film of it, right? I’ll
probably wait till then. Books take so long and—
- - - If only you had the time.
- - Exactly.
-
- Well, it’s been nice—
-
- Did I say, I have this really great idea for a book.
-
- I’m just going to get another drink. [Captain
Oates style.]
3 comments:
*shudder shudder shudder*
Great! I was in the mood for a bitter laugh. Thanks, Tom.
It's the comment claiming 'I'd like to write a book - if only I had time.' Yeah, because that's all it needs... a wee bit of time.
Great post!
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